memory i dont understand

As I look back on my life I find the older I get the less i remember. 

it seems as though I have a weird form amnesia.

 I don't understand this fully, or why it has to be this way.

Every time my mom brings up something I did as a child something anyone else would remember I search and try so hard to remember but it has been erased from my mind.

my mind lives in the present, but not just the present its more like the present few minutes.

What little I can remember is horrifying and i would gladly not be able to remember. 

am i truly an old woman as I joke around about? 

is the only part of me that is 18 is the way my body looks?

why cant i remember things?

if you asked me what i did 1 hour ago i wouldn't even be able to guess what that was. 

this seems to be a curse with me, i don't remember the last time i was able to remember clearly.

the weird part is that i can memorize things like vocabulary and facts really well and for the most part they stay with me, but i cant remember birthday parties or Christmas or doing things with my family like going to pow wows and Greek festivals..

 not even simple things like meals or conversations, playing friends.

there are sometimes that i can get a vague memory of something but it is far away almost like a dream, I'm not sure if it is real or just my mind trying to grasp on to something.

it makes me mad because i know it hurts the people who worked hard to create fun memories amongst the many dark ones of my past. 

I feel like I'mlost like a little girl wondering around a big shopping mall longing to take hold of someones hand who can take her to safety. is this unreal? am i just being paranoid or do i have the right to be upset by my stupidity?

numbers

Growing up i always hated math, i thought that God had created them when he put the curse on the earth to torment children in school... now numbers seem to rule everything these days. the food you eat, the cloths you wear, what i drink, how well i do on a test, weather or not your fat or skinny, even art and music have numbers., some how everything has a number, something judging them as to how good or bad it is.
 no matter where i turn this seems to be the standard on how you should live. Its kind of like listening to screemo when your upset, the longer you listen the more the music consumes your brain and eventually your overtaken by it. I have thought for so long that beauty is skinny, beauty is being able to flirt your way through life. being in a zero is the ideal pant size. i try to remember how God and my friends see beauty but it seems once again the horrid math trumps me. is there a way to know what is truly beautiful? to remember the whole day? i remember as i get dressed that it doesn't matter because they love me and no matter what i do or say wont ever through me away but that special comforting thought seems to fade the moment i have to decide between 150cals of serial or a slice of 50 cal lunch meat for breakfast and then add in the rest of my days meals making sure it don't go even 5 cals over 200. i hate this way of life, i hate that my mind wont seem to rid itself of the perpetual rain of thoughts and numbers. guys say they want skinny girls, girls get sick when they see the girls who try to become pretty and the world says beauty is how many times you get laid with your boyfriend its all so overwhelming i cant seem to find the way out of this never ending black whole! 

people are always telling me that i need to get fatter especially at school but if i get fatter they think im ugly and if i try to feel beautiful for my self im a eye sore.

i wake up in the morning reminding myself that my friends and God say I'm beautiful and they love me i remind myself not to believe anything else i hear but it seems to slip away as i get pelted by numbers, people talking about their numbers all the time, and the fact that so many girls are skinnier then me and they look hot. am i an ugly Betty or a freak? i cant decide. i want nothing more then to be normal in how i think i don't remember the last time i was able to eat a normal meal with out freaking out or just cutting it short. part of me feels relived when i rapidly drop sizes and lose wait but the other part of me the part that knows deep down im thinking bad again feels wrong. i wish god could wave a magic wond and make it all disappear!

i was in graphic design today and a couple guys saw me drinking a sprite to raise my blood sugar and calm my stomach and they kept commenting on how bad it is for me, i don't normally eat or drink junk in fact i have to have a good resin to do it. it made me feel ashamed of having so much sugar and calories in a day even though my body needed the sugar to keep me from passing out and my tummy needed carbonation i was still breaking one of the rules of beauty "never cave in to eating food or drinking anything full of calories" I'm not sure the intention behind the comments like that because i don't really know them that well but it makes it so hard to be good about eating more normal makes me want to quit and become my ideal wait. man i hate numbers in everyday they are a curse!