why do i want to feel? I'm crazy!

you know that hopeless feeling you have when you cant find or see the good of what you are doing? i have been feeling that way recently. i do not see how far i have come sense i first started going to counseling. I am supposed to practice looking for the progress i made. i feel like i will never be able to see the good only the wrong things i do. i can not shake myself from judgmental thoughts. i often wonder if i will still be on earth in 10 years. part of me wants to be alive with a family. the other part that knows medically i am not stable, my body is ever getting worse i do not think i will be able to move in 10 years due to the pain. i feel like i am working so hard for no good long term reason. i wish i don't wish my EDS away it keeps me grounded to reality, but it is hard to see myself alive in the future. i just want a mercy killing in all honesty. i am sick of the pain of my night terrors and of the temptations that hold me captive. i am feeling much more then i have in my life and it is so strange to feel anger or fear and not shut down emotionally or mentally to protect myself and the others around me. i feel like i am a crazy monster women with raves. i am unsure what to do about this. feeling is scary and new for me. i wish i could turn it back off like a light switch like i used to. but i am so tired of feeling numb i want to be human again. i want to thaw out and feel and live. i don't understand why but i just cant let it go and quit. 

Davids Moods Swings are so Confusing!

Today I read the bible for the first time in a couple months perhaps longer. I feel refreshed but at the same time I am having trouble keep up and not get distractions. I am not only upset that I cant focus but I am very confused about David. The ways Davids moods swing so quickly make it hard for me to understand what is happening in his Psalms. 
At first David is comforted because God will never leave him and will protect him. Half way through the Psalm he becomes angry. He talks about how he hates these people and how he wants God to destroy them. How can he go from comforted to very angry so swiftly?