why do i want to feel? I'm crazy!

you know that hopeless feeling you have when you cant find or see the good of what you are doing? i have been feeling that way recently. i do not see how far i have come sense i first started going to counseling. I am supposed to practice looking for the progress i made. i feel like i will never be able to see the good only the wrong things i do. i can not shake myself from judgmental thoughts. i often wonder if i will still be on earth in 10 years. part of me wants to be alive with a family. the other part that knows medically i am not stable, my body is ever getting worse i do not think i will be able to move in 10 years due to the pain. i feel like i am working so hard for no good long term reason. i wish i don't wish my EDS away it keeps me grounded to reality, but it is hard to see myself alive in the future. i just want a mercy killing in all honesty. i am sick of the pain of my night terrors and of the temptations that hold me captive. i am feeling much more then i have in my life and it is so strange to feel anger or fear and not shut down emotionally or mentally to protect myself and the others around me. i feel like i am a crazy monster women with raves. i am unsure what to do about this. feeling is scary and new for me. i wish i could turn it back off like a light switch like i used to. but i am so tired of feeling numb i want to be human again. i want to thaw out and feel and live. i don't understand why but i just cant let it go and quit.