Forgiveness....

On Sunday my pastor at church preached about forgiveness. I don't normally wrestle with what i learn from sermons over the week, but this week i cant stop thinking about it. As a christian I know and believe that Jesus died the most brutal death ever, bearing every sin of every man, murderer, repast, child molester, womanizer, thief  abuser,  and everything in between, including myself. As I try to ponder over weather or not I can forgive my self in earnest of the horrible things I have done, I cant bring my self to even fathom the idea. does this mean I believe that my forgiveness is over Gods? I can't figure that out either.

I know this sounds contradictory to my faith and love for the God who has saved my life countless times, but at the same time how can I lie? I cant figure out the answers, I don't know how shake what i feel, and that alone makes me feel like a cast away christian. Some how God forgiving me and forgiving myself aren't the same. 

It's so easy to forgive others when I am wronged for the most part, but as for forgiving myself of my evils having multiple root canals with out Novocaine sounds easier then that. 

am i a hypicret for not being able to think on let alone forgive my self but yet forgiving others is so easy for me? Does this mean I'm a lukewarm christian? or am i just an ordinary girl seeking answers and when i come to one that should be simple enough I am to angry, scared, hurt (and a plethora of other feelings i cant put names to) to go through with what i am told is best for me? What hinders me from allowing myself freedom from the cob webs that grow old and dusty berried deep beneath the serface of my heart?

questions like this have been plaguing my mind all week, especially when i should be sleeping. Although im not really sure I want to understand or know the answers to the majority of my internalized questions. in the end there is something underlying the reasons we do not want, or cant bring our self to do something. Right now I don't want to find that about my self and then have another thing to worry about or think I'm a freak over. I'm not sure if this rebelliousness comes from stubbornness or from something worse. I feel like a rag doll being pulled between two children if i don't forgive myself someday ill be forever trapped by my own wrong doing, but yet I can not understand how to go about such a thing when thinking on the things that I cant forgive sends me into mental turmoil. my head hurts from all the rolling back and forth between what I should do, what I cant but wish I could at the same time have no desire to do. 

Another thing I cant get my head around is how you know when you have truly forgiven someone? is it when you can think about the situation and not be mad about it? or is that just dismissing at as no big deal until the crime against you becomes deeply painful and then you just dont have the ability to forgive?

I am what ever about little things I don't really know if they hurt me or not but they happen and its over no big deal. At least that's what I have always thought forgiveness was, someone wrongs you and you dont care about it, write it off as done and over no harm no fale no big deal why make a fuss? Chris said in his sermon that this is called drive through forgiveness, like you go up to the window at mcdonalds and you think about what you want to order and then you get up to the person who takes your order and you recieve your food and drive off to the rest of your day. Thats exactly how i forgive people on a daily bases. when it comes to being deeply hurt especially more then once I cant forgive because i cant write it off as no big deal, it is to painful to be no big deal. how do you forgive correctly if this is not the way? I am extremely confused about all this and as a result i lose sleep over it, maybe now that i have wrote it all out for my few readers to see ill actually get some sleep after a long day and a dog waking me up out of a semi sound sleep i just want to melt into my bed!

Where are you?

Life is crashing down around me

I see things being built back up,

But the world flies around like a plastic bag in the wind I feel so empty!

Where are you?

You promised me you would never leave me.

You promised to protect me!

Have you kept your promise?

Have you forgotten that I will die with out you here by my side?

Am i still that dirty peace of trash that sits out getting rusty and grimy in the wind?

When you died to take my sins and troubles upon yourself doesn't that mean i wont feel the weight of them?

Why have you left me?

I hear that still small voice but i feel so empty the words are comforting but they don't stick!

Am i a third wheel?

Am i not your little girl anymore?

What's wrong with me?

Why cant i climb on your lap and tell you everything anymore?

I want to barry my head in your strong arms and let you take everything bad away but i cant do that! 

What has changed?

Was i bad?

PLEASE GOD SHOW UP! TAKE ME BACK!

LET ME DREAM OF SLEEPING IN YOUR STRONG WHITE WROPED SKILEN ARMS!

I need that same comfort! 

The night brings fear and dot,

Dreams cause me to be tarified!

Nightmares take over my mind and temptation consumes me like wild fire!

Dirty little lies that came to life!

So long ago you killed me inside! 

You defiled me!

You took my purity and turned me into filthy rags!

I have nothing to offer now because i came to you!

You brought me a rush of euphoria that lasted for so short of time!

You relived me i welcomed your poisonous thinking You were innocent

It tasted so sweet

It felt so good as i drank it in!

You wrapped your arms around me and now i realize Your arms are the chains that 

Will forever captivate my mind and pull me down into the pits of darkness!

I am free but you still control me! 

You taught me many things

Showed me who i am

When i was scared you embraced me

When i was angry you soothed my mind

I was so alive in your arms but now you drain me of all that i am!

Yes you turned me into a normal teenager i was a prude and for that i guess you did me a favor

but i miss my old self.

Once upon a time i could look at a man innocently,

Once a upon a time so very long ago i could have a C Conversation with out thinking dirty every 30-seconds.

I hated being the girl with a cast iron bra, and a volt around my mind.

Now that its gone i want it all back! 

I'd do anything to find that again!

You taught me all about the unspoken

You showed me how to do things i could never imagine!

But now, now you hold me in shackles and wont let me go,

You drag me back kicking and screaming but i cant say anything because you

have poisoned my vocal cords.

I cant understand your motive behind your lies.

You say you own me!

You say you are my friend?

What's your definition of friendship?

All the dirty lies and compromise you put on yourself to look cool

Only turns you into a hoe!

It doesn't make you any higher then them!

Why do you do it?

You say you love God but you show your hearts desire with ever comment made

The food i eat, 

The comments made.

What teachers say during their lectures,

All of life is turned into a living porno and it makes me sad!

It makes me sick

Am i just here for kicks?

I've told you time and time again not to speak to me in such vulgar ways!

Does my safety mean nothing to you?

I try and try again not to be forced into this iron madden anymore!

I want out of it more then anything but how can i if your my best friend?

I cant through you away but i cant take all this trash building up with in me!

Am i responsible for you?

You blame me,

You blame the teachers

Your parents

And past relations for transforming your mind into a gutter!

When will you learn to take responsibility for your own actions?

Whose fault is it? 

You do the thinking not me! 

You do the saying not your parents!

It isn't your family, your ex, your past! 

THIS IS YOU! 

YOU AND ALL YOU!

Take a moment and think about this because your Ruining your friends lives and dreams by your actions!

All i want is to go back to the days of old,

The time when i could laugh and smile

The place where i was safe

But there is no place to travel back in my life

Will the time machine take me to an imaginary life?

Teleport me to a land where i am clean and undefiled untarnished by the pain of this world! 

Oh if there was such a place here on earth i would jump right in for the transformation! 

Don't Waist Your Life!

“It began when I was young, I’m not sure how old exactly but I know I was to young to talk. The words formed as I got older but the old familiar feeling has stayed alive within me sense the dawn of my life. I have always believed that one should not waist their life on silly things. You must make your life count, take the bad situations and turn them to good, help the people you thought could never be helped, love everyone especially the ones who are hard to love with the strong, passionate, unconditional love that only god can flow through you like a water fall. Doing all this for the glory of God. ”

Often times as humans we think that our life is ours, we can do whatever we want. It isn’t until you stare into the cold hard eyes of death that you realize you have wasted a gift that could have been used to make a difference the world. God has given each one of us gifts and talents.
My first point is: to find the gifts God has given you and use them well. if we do not use these gifts to help and to serve God we not only live selfishly, but we waist presiouse time to make a difrence in this world.
My second point is: life is short, you never know when you will die. your never to young to die, when that time comes what do you want said and felt about the way you spent it? do you want to be told you where self sentered, never really did much, or do you want people to praise god for how you have helped them in small ways or little ways some how you made a diffrence.
My third point is: to love everyone as God has loved us. Uncondisionally, passionatly, and with out any exspectations. this kind of love can only begiven through the arms of Jesus. The world is a broken, sinful, cruel place many people are rejected, hurt, sick, and in need of someone to be their friend no matter what.
when you live you read your bible every day and live out what it says, examine and learn more about God, and allow Him to take over your life completly you will grow closer and more like him. Allowing him to be in control takes away pressure and worry.
Life is hard, horrible things happen but we as christians need to live as christ did, sacrifising what we want to give God the glory and honer with our life. WIth out christ our life is dead, no hope, no meaning, no resin to live. selfishness is part of being human, thinking our life is ours to do what we want is only natural as humans.
What you you do with your life is your buisness no one should interfear. this is the common mindset of todays world. How ever christ said that we are slaves to him, as slaves of christ we give up all freedom and are to do as he wills for us. Gods the best person to run your life because he created you, he is all good, he knows everything and he loved you os much he brutally killed and rejected his only son just to save your life. yes thats harsh but it was the only way. In Matthew 11:28-30 Jesus tells us best how to rely on him for everything.“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” this is a prosses that has to take place from the inner most part of your heart. you have to want it more than anything, nobody can do it for you. you have to be willing to fight your desires and allow god to show off through you and put him in the center stage of your life.

• About 15% to 18% of children in the United States live with a chronic health condition  (17 and under)
• In arizona the the five leading causes of death among teenagers are Accidents (unintentional injuries), homicide, suicide, cancer, and heart disease. Accidents account for nearly one-half of all teenage deaths.
  

                As you can see from these statistics life alutering changes and death is completly unexspected. are you ready to face god with your life? have you fullfilled your dreams? have you lived a full life that you feel prowed of? weather or not you want to admit this your answer to most of these questions if not all is no. live your life to make a diffrence serving god above allt things let him have complete control.

“your life is like a play, the plot your life, the audiance is who is most important to you, and the cast are the people in your life important and non important. will your life touch others or cut them down?”

who is going to be in the frunt row of the audiance? the one you search for, the one you seek to impress? will it be your friends? your family? your instructors? your church? or the God who lives and breaths within you? the one who saved your life, the one who wants nothing more than to love you.

memory i dont understand

As I look back on my life I find the older I get the less i remember. 

it seems as though I have a weird form amnesia.

 I don't understand this fully, or why it has to be this way.

Every time my mom brings up something I did as a child something anyone else would remember I search and try so hard to remember but it has been erased from my mind.

my mind lives in the present, but not just the present its more like the present few minutes.

What little I can remember is horrifying and i would gladly not be able to remember. 

am i truly an old woman as I joke around about? 

is the only part of me that is 18 is the way my body looks?

why cant i remember things?

if you asked me what i did 1 hour ago i wouldn't even be able to guess what that was. 

this seems to be a curse with me, i don't remember the last time i was able to remember clearly.

the weird part is that i can memorize things like vocabulary and facts really well and for the most part they stay with me, but i cant remember birthday parties or Christmas or doing things with my family like going to pow wows and Greek festivals..

 not even simple things like meals or conversations, playing friends.

there are sometimes that i can get a vague memory of something but it is far away almost like a dream, I'm not sure if it is real or just my mind trying to grasp on to something.

it makes me mad because i know it hurts the people who worked hard to create fun memories amongst the many dark ones of my past. 

I feel like I'mlost like a little girl wondering around a big shopping mall longing to take hold of someones hand who can take her to safety. is this unreal? am i just being paranoid or do i have the right to be upset by my stupidity?

numbers

Growing up i always hated math, i thought that God had created them when he put the curse on the earth to torment children in school... now numbers seem to rule everything these days. the food you eat, the cloths you wear, what i drink, how well i do on a test, weather or not your fat or skinny, even art and music have numbers., some how everything has a number, something judging them as to how good or bad it is.
 no matter where i turn this seems to be the standard on how you should live. Its kind of like listening to screemo when your upset, the longer you listen the more the music consumes your brain and eventually your overtaken by it. I have thought for so long that beauty is skinny, beauty is being able to flirt your way through life. being in a zero is the ideal pant size. i try to remember how God and my friends see beauty but it seems once again the horrid math trumps me. is there a way to know what is truly beautiful? to remember the whole day? i remember as i get dressed that it doesn't matter because they love me and no matter what i do or say wont ever through me away but that special comforting thought seems to fade the moment i have to decide between 150cals of serial or a slice of 50 cal lunch meat for breakfast and then add in the rest of my days meals making sure it don't go even 5 cals over 200. i hate this way of life, i hate that my mind wont seem to rid itself of the perpetual rain of thoughts and numbers. guys say they want skinny girls, girls get sick when they see the girls who try to become pretty and the world says beauty is how many times you get laid with your boyfriend its all so overwhelming i cant seem to find the way out of this never ending black whole! 

people are always telling me that i need to get fatter especially at school but if i get fatter they think im ugly and if i try to feel beautiful for my self im a eye sore.

i wake up in the morning reminding myself that my friends and God say I'm beautiful and they love me i remind myself not to believe anything else i hear but it seems to slip away as i get pelted by numbers, people talking about their numbers all the time, and the fact that so many girls are skinnier then me and they look hot. am i an ugly Betty or a freak? i cant decide. i want nothing more then to be normal in how i think i don't remember the last time i was able to eat a normal meal with out freaking out or just cutting it short. part of me feels relived when i rapidly drop sizes and lose wait but the other part of me the part that knows deep down im thinking bad again feels wrong. i wish god could wave a magic wond and make it all disappear!

i was in graphic design today and a couple guys saw me drinking a sprite to raise my blood sugar and calm my stomach and they kept commenting on how bad it is for me, i don't normally eat or drink junk in fact i have to have a good resin to do it. it made me feel ashamed of having so much sugar and calories in a day even though my body needed the sugar to keep me from passing out and my tummy needed carbonation i was still breaking one of the rules of beauty "never cave in to eating food or drinking anything full of calories" I'm not sure the intention behind the comments like that because i don't really know them that well but it makes it so hard to be good about eating more normal makes me want to quit and become my ideal wait. man i hate numbers in everyday they are a curse! 

hello

hi! i am making this blog mostly so i can have an outlet to talk about stoping my cutting addiction. i was a cutter for years and now i am stoping and i am free i think this blog will help me get used to who i was and move on to who i am. i hope by sharing what i went thru as a cutter and what i am going thru now it will encourage others like me who are fighting the same things.