what is life?

i feel trapped in so many ways
trapped within my mind
trapped within my soul
trapped within my body
trapped within the walls of my house
and of the walls of my doctors

i am ordered to get out to do normal things for my health
but how can i obey?
i am imprisoned forever it seems
i can only sit up for 2 hours at most
i have no time for anything not even needed doctors

i wish for life
i wish to make a difference in tis world
i wish for people know that disabled people are not helpless
but yet hear i am helpless imprisoned and longing to know the world out side
i look through a window into the lives of others
i know not their ways
i know not how they live nor what they do
this is aggravating

healthy people take for granted so many things i struggle to do day by day
i wish to teach them of our life of how we live
how can i do this if i am in bed?
what is my purpose in this life of pain and confusion

why is life so confusing?

i have been feeling like i have no purpose in live! i live in a world of doctors and lots of rest, my pain only gets worse, my muscles wont agree with my joints im in so much pain even though my muscles are getting stronger my joints get worse its terribly confusing. i am not able to work im not able to go to collage at the moment i cant really go out due to pain and i feel so useless it makes me restless... i don't expect people to understand what my head is going through its a big jumbled up mess i cant sort out, i long to do something good in the this world and how can i do that if i cant get out of bed or sit up for longer then an hour. what good am i? i don't want to be one of those people who gives up on life just because i have elhers danlose and hurt all the time i want to make the world a better place but how can i in  a bed? am i really any good to this world? what can i do? i need something of meaning to do or i am no good to this world... a friend said she will bring me to Joni and friends Arizona to meet her friends there, says my testimony will be good for them says my determination to be the best person i can will be a good thing but i feel useless right now. i wish god would tell me what to do... me and god haven't been so great right now which is another confusing mess i need to sort out in my crazy brain.. reading the bible is hard to do and praying im so out of practice.. i feel close to god and and yet far away... nothing in life seems to make sense, i hate it...

life in a nursing home....

today is my first offishal day in the nursing home were i will get intensive physical tharopy and rehabilitation. i gues its surves as a double for rehab to help get people like me or surgery paitains stronger... so far ive not found anything fun todo maybe ill go meet anne the knitter here she promised to teach me to make a hat i will see. im so board right now.... everyone here seems so loanly or screwed up i hope things get better soon... oh well im trying hard to trust in god that this will make my fibromiagia better. updates on what tomarrow brings will come.

God is always providing for me!

i have just come out of the rehab speshalist and the visit was very helpful she has ordered me a script for wrist braces that are speshal made i can even pick what color i want them to be and patterns! i also get speshal ankle braces and a back brace! im excited for all this because it means less disolocations i cant wait!

my wheelchair fitting is still unknown when it will happen but the chair will be manual with some power also it will be much more suportive to my hips and back which means less pain as well! All this to say i am in high spirits dispite the pain i feel all over.

God always provides for me and my needs, i even get a home teacher but am still able to be part of valley this means alot to me. when i was told i had to chose between health and school i couldnt do it so God provided me with the ability to have a teacher come from the tempe school district and work with me. im not sure when this will start hopefully soon but i am very greatful because it gives room to rest and go to my doctors with out worring about the work im missing. i dont know how all this home bound school stuff works but it sounds helpful and good so im game!

peanutbutter

i dont know if ive spoke of my beloved dog peanutbutter yet. but i have a sweet adorible hiper and protective dog who is very much like a child. i never thought ownig a dog would teach me parenting skills but i have been learning so much. controling my temper w hen he gets into things or runs me into a wal in my wheelchair on a walk because he wants to make friends witth the nabers mean dog behind a fence. ive had to learn what and how to teach him things. he is ver smart i taught him to bark when he knows someone is smoking becaue im alergic to the smoke this way i can avoid them but several weeeks after mastering that he tried to bite some ppor mans butt because had a cigiret and his pack was in his back bocket... after htat i learn i need to be careful of training him to do amazing things but work on control in it.

wow been to long!

dear reader my life has been very hectic over the last few months. my laptop has kicked the bucket completly so school work is all hand written (very tiresom) my health has been poor. my pain from the fibromialgia and elhers danlose has been so bad ive been hospitalized 3 times, december, last week and this week. its now to the point where my doctors cant really help  me i need to go to a speshal rehabiltation hospital for intensive care. at the hospital i will be getting majer physical tharopy, pshyciatry and counseling learning bio feedback and self hipnosis as well as do school work and who knows what else. they say this is best for me but i am not sure if i will do it, im so close to graduating i want to do it with the school ive worked my butt off to get where i am. i will have to talk with my school to see what options i have if i can cut back some classes and get a tuter i can do most of what would happen at the rehab place and still live at home and go to school part of the day. i want to do whats best for my body but the dissions are so big im not sure which way to chose. i think ill pray about it research and decide after i talk with my school. please pray for me either this is life changing and i do not want to quit school because of my sickness it would devistate me.

Forgiveness....

On Sunday my pastor at church preached about forgiveness. I don't normally wrestle with what i learn from sermons over the week, but this week i cant stop thinking about it. As a christian I know and believe that Jesus died the most brutal death ever, bearing every sin of every man, murderer, repast, child molester, womanizer, thief  abuser,  and everything in between, including myself. As I try to ponder over weather or not I can forgive my self in earnest of the horrible things I have done, I cant bring my self to even fathom the idea. does this mean I believe that my forgiveness is over Gods? I can't figure that out either.

I know this sounds contradictory to my faith and love for the God who has saved my life countless times, but at the same time how can I lie? I cant figure out the answers, I don't know how shake what i feel, and that alone makes me feel like a cast away christian. Some how God forgiving me and forgiving myself aren't the same. 

It's so easy to forgive others when I am wronged for the most part, but as for forgiving myself of my evils having multiple root canals with out Novocaine sounds easier then that. 

am i a hypicret for not being able to think on let alone forgive my self but yet forgiving others is so easy for me? Does this mean I'm a lukewarm christian? or am i just an ordinary girl seeking answers and when i come to one that should be simple enough I am to angry, scared, hurt (and a plethora of other feelings i cant put names to) to go through with what i am told is best for me? What hinders me from allowing myself freedom from the cob webs that grow old and dusty berried deep beneath the serface of my heart?

questions like this have been plaguing my mind all week, especially when i should be sleeping. Although im not really sure I want to understand or know the answers to the majority of my internalized questions. in the end there is something underlying the reasons we do not want, or cant bring our self to do something. Right now I don't want to find that about my self and then have another thing to worry about or think I'm a freak over. I'm not sure if this rebelliousness comes from stubbornness or from something worse. I feel like a rag doll being pulled between two children if i don't forgive myself someday ill be forever trapped by my own wrong doing, but yet I can not understand how to go about such a thing when thinking on the things that I cant forgive sends me into mental turmoil. my head hurts from all the rolling back and forth between what I should do, what I cant but wish I could at the same time have no desire to do. 

Another thing I cant get my head around is how you know when you have truly forgiven someone? is it when you can think about the situation and not be mad about it? or is that just dismissing at as no big deal until the crime against you becomes deeply painful and then you just dont have the ability to forgive?

I am what ever about little things I don't really know if they hurt me or not but they happen and its over no big deal. At least that's what I have always thought forgiveness was, someone wrongs you and you dont care about it, write it off as done and over no harm no fale no big deal why make a fuss? Chris said in his sermon that this is called drive through forgiveness, like you go up to the window at mcdonalds and you think about what you want to order and then you get up to the person who takes your order and you recieve your food and drive off to the rest of your day. Thats exactly how i forgive people on a daily bases. when it comes to being deeply hurt especially more then once I cant forgive because i cant write it off as no big deal, it is to painful to be no big deal. how do you forgive correctly if this is not the way? I am extremely confused about all this and as a result i lose sleep over it, maybe now that i have wrote it all out for my few readers to see ill actually get some sleep after a long day and a dog waking me up out of a semi sound sleep i just want to melt into my bed!